TidBits

 

Narrowly holding off "Guidette" and the always popular article "the" to secure the crown as the most commonly used word of 2009, early indications point to "douchey" maintaining its momentum throughout the new year.  This information was gathered through a study conducted at the University of Dayton.

 

"'Douchey' was really buoyed by the sharp increase in published photos of Doug Reinhardt," says Professor of Sociology Diane Wentworth, who anchored the study.  

 

Although, Wentworth says, 'douchey''s popularity spike began long before "The Hills" star began flaunting his relationship with renowned actress Paris Hilton.

 

"The 'douchey' phenomenon is something that has deep roots in American culture, pre-dating the word itself," Wentworth noted, pointing out noted pre-"douchey" douches such as Alexander Hamilton, "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" star Alfonso Ribeiro and Squanto.

 

But according the the study's data, usage of "douchey" increased exponentially in the mid-2000s.  

 

"Look at the significant jump it takes here," Wentworth illustrates using a line graph.  "The data suggests that the uptrend began with the 2004 trade of Alex Rodriguez to the New York Yankees.  It occurred at a point in time when A-Rod was blossoming from a run-of-the-mill douche into a world class d-bag."  

 

Dr. Klaus Furmann of the Institute of Anthropology in Frankfurt, Germany agrees.  He says that "the introduction of such a burgeoning douchebag on to the highest-profile team in all of professional sports" was poorly timed.  Once A-Rod left his wife for Madonna, "his metamorphosis was complete" says Dr. Furmann, adding, "it was akin to unleashing a nuclear weapon (of douchiness) on the city." 

 

In the same calendar year, the west coast was enduring its own nightmare.  Pop superstar Britney Spears got married, not once, but twice, to two separate douches in 2004.  First it was childhood friend (and classless douche) Jason Alexander in Las Vegas.  Britney followed that up with a September marriage to (back-up dancer douche) Kevin Federline.***

The ripples could be felt nationwide, although New York was most affected, aside from the obvious source of the outbreak(Los Angeles).  The Big Apple suffered through "douchey" fallout that continues to rear its ugly head to this day.  Don Carmichael, chief toxicologist for the CDC of New York, says it's an uphill battle.  "We finally coax (singer/songwriter/total douche) Ryan Adams to move to L.A. and then ("Jon & Kate Plus 8" star and mega douche) Jon Gosselin buys a condo here.  You squash one and two more pop up in its place.  Like Hercules and the Hydra."

 

Carmichael, who is also among those credited with running former Knicks head coach (and professional douche) Isiah Thomas out of town, says they've received no help from Washington.  Of course, the District of Columbia has been busy dealing with a douche infestation of its own.  Hoards of douchebag politicians terrorize the area, most notably 2008 Presidential candidate (and polished douche) John Edwards.  

 

Things could've been worse in D.C. had the 2008 election turned out differently.  "If the McCain/Palin ticket won, it would almost certainly have opened the door for (2009 Douche of the Year Nominee) Levi Johnston to set up shop in the nation's capital instead of tooling around L.A.," says Washington Post political analyst Joshua Tobin.      

 

Los Angeles remains the earth's only natural habitat for douches.  According to Wentworth, people "seem content to allow the douche population to subsist and even thrive so long as it is contained (in L.A.)"  Unfortunately, the terms of this delicate balance are constantly undermined. 

 

Experts all tend to agree on the theory that the rapid spread of douchiness can be traced to the acquistion of a private jet by Girls Gone Wild founder (and Grand High Douche) Joe Francis.  "Once it was airborne, all hope was lost." says Dr. Furmann. 

 

Despite the best efforts of anti-douche task forces, clusters of d-bags are holding positions across the United States and Mexico(courtesy of self-important musician douche John Mayer's frequent Cabo trips).  Europe has been fighting their own brand of "douchiness" since Oasis hit it big on the billboard charts. (Although, instead of "douchey", the Brits use the term "beastly".)

 

Looking ahead, logic dictates that the problem will not solve itself.  So the prognosis is that necessity of the term "douchey" will continue to build.

 

"As a mother, it troubles me to think of the douchey world that my children are going to inherit," Wentworth laments.

 

Her concern is understandable, when you consider the infiltration of douches in sports(Thom Brennaman, Scott Van Pelt and the always Douch-i-rific Joe Buck), entertainment(Alicia Keys, Howie Mandel) and in everyday walks of life(the douche from your office who tells you how much his clothes cost). 

 

Don't despair, there is reason to maintain optimism, Carmichael assures us.  "We all have to do our part to combat douchey behavior," he says.  For instance? "If you see someone who is still frosting their tips, please say something," Carmichael says.  "It's all about doing your civic duty."

 

***Editor's note: Years later, in a rare and groundbreaking case, lab tests revealed that the douchiness that had plagued Federline recessed to a nearly untraceable amount.  Thus Federline was left almost completely devoid of douchiness. The discovery was made when K-Fed abandoned his laughable music career and proved he actually cares for and tends to his children.    

 

Frank, a DahlCast listener sent this picture to Steve@dahl.com. He calls it “Pete the crazy closet clown killer of Rogers Park.”

 

Hee hee hee hee!!!! 

 

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