............R. KELLY
What up DeRo? I see the man has you
trapped in the closet too.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
What’s that’s supposed to mean?
............R. KELLY
Come on, Bro, you are the great allknowing
all-seeing music writer.
You tell me what it means.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
You’re kind of a smart ass for a
guy who’s looking at a possible 15
years for making and distributing
child pornography. What is it, 21
or 22 counts?
............R. KELLY
Once you get past 10, what’s he
point of keeping track, Dog? What
you in for? Having a worse
complexion than mine?
(He begins to sing)
I believe you eat fries...
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Ha! Very funny, R. Kelly. You
should think about maybe
incorporating some of that humor
into your music.
............R. KELLY
Have you heard “Hair Braider”?
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Point taken. When do we break for
lunch?
............R. KELLY
Usually around lunchtime, Jim.
There ain’t a lot of options around
here unless you like tacos. If you
were nicer to me in your column
maybe I would have taken you back
to my tour bus. We have some aged
cheddar on there.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
I’m sure that’s the oldest thing
that’s ever been eaten on your tour
bus.
............R. KELLY
That’s inappropriate!
..........JIM DEROGATIS
But funny...
............R. KELLY
Extremely. You alright for a
greasy, pimply-faces Weeble-looking
white dude.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
And you’re not half bad for a guy
wearing his hair like Bo Derek.
............R. KELLY
I know Bo.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Seriously?
............R. KELLY
Well, I know Bo Jackson, not Bo
Derek. She’s old enough to be my
great aunt.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
She would make a great aunt. I come
right up to her belly button.
............R. KELLY
I bet you would.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Does it hurt?
............R. KELLY
No, I always use some sort of
lubricant like saliva, Astroglide,
or pee.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Not that, you R&B superstar! Does
it hurt to have your hair braided
into cornrows like that?
............R. KELLY
Not really. It looks tight, don’t
it?
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Tight?
............R. KELLY
Yeah, tight, like I'm not the guy
on the video tape because he ain’t
wearing cornrows tight.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Oh, that kind of tight. Yeah, I
guess it looks tight alright.
............R. KELLY
About as tight as your pants. You
like tacos, DeRo?
..........JIM DEROGATIS
I thought you’d never ask!
............R. KELLY
Well. I’m fixing to get a taco
wagon up in this bitch.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
I’m not sure what that means but I
sure hope it’s not illegal. We’re
both alledgedly in enough trouble
as it is.
............R. KELLY
No, it’s not illegal, but it’s
tasty as hell. Let’s get a load of
tacos and take them back to the
tour bus.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Wow! You’re going to let me on your
tour bus?
............R. KELLY
Yes, I am, but I’m going to need
you to sign this video release and
put in this retainer.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
Retainer?
............R. KELLY
Yeah, it will make you look a
little younger on camera. It will
also make some of that taco hard to
get out of your mouth.
..........JIM DEROGATIS
That’s okay. I brought my floss.
............R. KELLY
Oh, Hell yeah! Put that on too,
bitch!
TO BE CONTINUED:
